So many of our sexual anatomy and activity words are so ugly. Like Vagina. Ferfucksake. What an ugly word. I won’t even MENTION one of those other words, that starts with C–not because I’m censoring myself (au contraire mon ami! This is an uncensored blog) but because I absolutely abhor that word and can’t even bring myself to type it. It’s a personal preference.

Anyway, the point is, most terminology in this subject is ugly.

I like making up words when the current terminology displeases me. I have recently started calling cunnilingus (see? Another ugly word) Poconos. I think it’s cute. “I’m going to the Poconos, tonight.”  At first, I was looking for a word to replace phallic penetration…and thought of POKE. And then Poconos came out. And I realized it was actually quite clever to assign that to an act prettyassthat is about POKING YOUR NOSE (only because it’s directly above the mouth, and the mouth is where all the great stuff takes place).

I prefer to call the act of analingus, “Nethering”–yes, as in nether-regions. And in keeping with geographical references, “My darling, would you like to go to the Netherlands tonight?”

*My wife just said, “I’m sorry my dear your passport has been revoked for inappropriate sharing of travel plans.”

What? (you, who are reading this post) You don’t partake in Nethering? You should try it. It’s divine. If all hygiene standards are followed, it’s no different than dining in the Poconos. And let me just point out that the Nether (hehheh) is one of the most sensitive erogenous zones on the human body. It’s difficult to find definitive information on just how many nerve endings reside there, as those numbers seem to vary widely. I assume that’s because whomever is counting them gets so distracted that they take an unplanned trip to the Netherlands. But suffice to say, there are thousands. (not thousands of unplanned trips–maybe, but that’s not what i meant. Thousands of nerve endings). Now why would you leave out any area that could produce that much pleasure? Why? Why?

I hope I have scandalized you.


Sex is one of those things that has been with us since the beginning–obviously, there would have been no beginning for us, had we not taken part in it. But there’s still this residual mindset that sex is dirty. Or that some TYPES of sex is dirty. Or disgusting. (I blame religion for that, but don’t get me started). I believe as long as it’s two consenting adults and everyone’s clean, and no one is being harmed or degraded, that there are no boundaries. It’s all okay. (–even though the red squiggly line of the dictionary indicated that “analingus” was not a proper word. Okay, maybe not improper, just not included in the dictionary. No worries. I added it.)

With all this in mind, I think it would be a fine idea for me and my partner to write a novel about lesbians who enjoy and engage in anal sex. If only because it’s a subject most people shy away from. I’d like us to write an unapologetic, scathing erotic tale. Or EROTIC TAIL. (maybe that could be the subtitle: An Erotic Tail). Hehheh. Possibly, it would enjoy great sales like that insipid Fifty Shades of Grey, but this one would sport quality writing, an actual plot, characters you can care about, and unabashed displays of sexual freedom. I wonder. I wonder if it really would sell. Or be censored. If it were censored, it would probably sell better…unless it couldn’t be sold because it was censored.

And that’s wrong.

I shall call this book Nethering Heights.


I also thought about writing a book called Withering Heights, about a couple who no longer wanted to have sex. But I figured it wouldn’t be nearly as enjoyable, and might remind too many readers of their own dismal sex lives. No need to rub salt in a wound. Instead, rub other things…anyway. Due to the title, the characters in this Withering Heights would necessarily have to be celibate.  Probably because they were bored. Then I’d be tempted to write them into some Nethering, so they won’t lose interest. And then, of course, that would be another book entirely. Say, a book called Nethering Heights. See? I just keep coming back to that.